I did not get the best night’s sleep last night because my window kept farting. Yes, you read that correctly: my bedroom window is flatulent. That’s the only way I can think to describe it.
I first heard the noise a few weeks ago. It was during the day while our upstairs neighbors are renovating (“Noisy gits!”) and I attributed it to whatever they’re doing that requires constant drilling and pounding (which really puts a damper on my “Walking Dead” watching… and my work). I didn’t think twice about it. But then I started hearing it in the evening and on weekends. Our building is very strict on when you’re allowed to drill — I know this because we had an appointment to have Sky satellite TV installed on a weekend, and the engineer came all the way out then had to reschedule because the porter told him he couldn’t drill on a weekend. (Side note: I like that they call cable guys “engineers” here. What do we call them in the US? “Technician?” “Cable guy?” Here the porter also referred to him as the “Sky chap,” but “chap” is another one of those words you can’t say unless you have an English accent, like “cheers.”)
Anyway, so since it couldn’t be drilling on a weekend, the only other logical explanation is window fart. It became a joke between Stephen and me. We’d hear it every so often, I would exclaim “Window fart!” a la Peter Griffin’s “mustache fart,” and move on. It was more comical than a nuisance. Until last night, when the window must have had a bean burrito for dinner. The noise was constant, every few minutes. Every time I would get to sleep, I would be quickly awoken by my window expelling gas.
You probably think I’m joking about all this. Obviously a window cannot fart. But we have poorly designed double pane windows which open like sliding doors. Where the two meet there is a gap of a few millimeters, which doesn’t seem like much, but it’s enough for a significant draft to come through and make the bedroom a good 10 degrees colder than the rest of the flat. In an attempt to fix this engineering error, I ran a piece of tape the length of the gap. It seemed to help a bit. But at 7 a.m. I wondered if this was what was causing the noise — it was incredibly windy outside and perhaps some air was trapped in the tape and being forcefully expelled. So I tore the tape down and went back to bed. An hour or two later I woke up to even louder window farts and a cold bedroom. It was not my morning. I tried to hit snooze, but I couldn’t do it. I had to know what was causing the ruckus. So I got a stool and waited for the window to pass gas again. It sounded like it was coming from the top. It was then I realized that Stephen had done some taping of his own at the top of the window. (Seriously, who designed these windows?!) I removed a small strip of it covering the gap. Then I waited. And waited. Then I made breakfast and went on with my day. As far as I know removing that bit of tape was the solution to my problem — my Beano, if you will — but I will know for sure tonight.
And since this post lacks photos, enjoy this corgi fart gif (in keeping with the theme):